What I’m Actually Putting In My Mouth

I realized I haven’t really been posting about what I started out to do – only eat things that I prepared myself from scratch. I’ve actually been doing it!

Today I had mushroom rice with homemade kim chee (recipes to follow) for breakfast, brown rice pasta with homemade pesto for lunch, and spicy eggplant and tofu in miso sauce for dinner. It was a long day at work and I ate all three meals there, including dinner at a staff meeting/potluck where there were so many tempting things! The thought “I could just pick out some of the ricotta mushroom filling from that manicotti, it would probably be fine” crossed my mind before I realized with a jolt I had actually been contemplating eating something cooked INSIDE WHEAT!

And that is what I would have done before I started this blog, and I would have considered it eating wheat free (I wouldn’t have eaten the pasta part after all) and then wondered why I felt so awful all the time.

Going gluten free takes CONSTANT VIGILANCE!!! (as one of my favorite Harry Potter characters would say – bonus points if you know who!) You cannot trust your own mind! It may have been taken over by the forces of evil, or at the very least it may just have a moment of distraction and allow gluten in. It takes retraining. Retraining of the mind and body so that it no longer is habit to put something in my mouth without thinking very hard about exactly what is in it, how it was made, where each ingredient came from, and what it might have been cross-contaminated with.

I’m getting there.

Slowly. But its about not ever giving up. I’ve given up thousands of times since I first realized I was allergic to wheat. No more. I might get knocked down a few times, but from now on I’m getting up damn it!

It is amazing that I have managed to actually only eat what I have cooked myself at home from scratch. And to do this blog.

For those who know me, I am often seized by brilliant ideas that flare up and then fizzle out as I get distracted by the next brilliant thing.

There is something about this entire gluten free process that is changing the way I relate to everything in my life.

But its so damn hard to put into words! Have you seen the Star Trek the Next Gen movie Insurrection? The bits where they seem to slow down time and really experience each tiny moment as its own sparkling eternal moment full of wonder and beauty, deeply connected to the glowing energy of life? Well, corny crazy as it sounds, its kinda like that.

Its wonderful.

And scarey as hell.

There is something about me that I don’t understand – every time I get close to wholeness, to health, I do something to destroy it. I’ve been doing better than ever lately! Feeling more energetic and alive than I have in years. And then, right after I post about how sleep is like a nutrient and if you don’t have enough of it you’ll get sick and die, I stay up up til past midnight three nights in a row and don’t get nearly enough sleep.

What is up with that?

I’m not going to experience the great feelings of health and energy I’m trying to get to by spending so much energy cooking everything from scratch if I’m exhausted from sleep dep!

Maybe I’m being too hard on myself. Maybe its just that after being so sick and exhausted for so long, and now that my life is waking up, I just want to stay up another minute to feel alive.

But self-care takes discipline, achieving dreams takes hard work. I am going to recommit to my health this minute.