The journey

It’s been a really busy morning…for me anyway. It feels good but I’m so exhausted I really need to stop. But I don’t want to. It’s so frustrating having a chronic illness. I keep thinking I’m ok with it, that I’ve accepted it, but then a day like today comes along. I woke up feeling good, which was like a miracle. I took my thyroid replacement medication. I’ve been slowly increasing my dose per doctors orders to try to find my optimal dose. As of today, I’m at the max. That means I need a lot of thyroid replacement I guess! With the brain fog from the Lyme, I find myself easily distracted. I went in the bathroom for something and ended up cleaning. I usually hate cleaning, and I’m so exhausted I don’t have it in me, but then the mess reaches a point I can’t stand it. That was this morning. I was sorting, organizing, and purging. It was actually fun. Stuff that was expired a year even! My sense of time is all messed up but I think I was in there for 30 or 40 minutes.  I started getting really tired. I didn’t want to stop. Finally, my beloved spouse dragged me out of there, put me on the couch, and turned on the tv, and then made me breakfast! After a couple hours, I started cleaning the kitchen. Not that I like cleaning. I’m just sick of how messy the house is because I’m sick. I had a phone date with my dad and step mom, for about an hour. It was very nice, but even that is so draining. I feel completely wiped out. It is gorgeous out side, the house is still a wreck, I WANT to do stuff, but my body won’t let me. I need to keep my eye on the prize. I’ve got about six months of hell to go through, then hopefully feeling better. That’s what my doctor says anyway. And he’s treated people successfully for Lyme, so hopefully he knows. I’m scared I may never get better. I have been battling illness for twenty years. Chronic fatigue, celiac, hashimoto’s, chronic hives (urticaria), hormone imbalances and terrible periods, migraines, huge emotional swings and depression, and more. The worst part is that I am always always always tired. I know I can’t give up but I wonder where the line is with acceptance. The line between acceptance and despair. Acceptance and complacency. When this sick, it takes a lot of effort to take care of myself. Remembering all my medication, to drink water, making the effort to cook the healthy food I need that won’t make me sicker…It’s all so much when feeling this awful. A thousand mile journey is done a step at a time. Today, now, the step I need to take on my healing journey is to rest. And to have compassion for myself.

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