Why can’t I just relax? Embracing my own life #Spoonie #chroniclife #Spoonieproblems

It is amazing how hard it is to just let myself do nothing. I’m lying on my couch, feeling like crap. I’ve been taking silver at night, to kill the lyme. This morning I started the morning dose. I’m exhausted. That deep down in the bone exhausted, that can’t really be explained if you haven’t experienced it. I’ve never had chemo, but from what I’ve seen and heard that has a similar exhaustion. Like I’ve been up for three days doing hard labor. Like I’ve been drugged, which I actually have been – I was roofied at a bar one time. Luckily, nobody got me, but I could barely function and ended up passing out in my locked car.
Myalgic encephalomyelitis (ME)/Chronic Fatigue Syndrome (CFS), also known chronic fatigue and immune dysfunction syndrome (CFIDS), is a complex and debilitating chronic disease with a serious impact on one’s quality of life.”
Um, did I mention the brain fog? Where was I…
Right, exhausted on the couch. And I know all this stuff about what Lyme does, what chronic illness is, about what myalgic encephalomyelitis / chronic fatigue is. And yet, it is still so hard to let myself just be on the couch, doing nothing but resting. I keep thinking I should be doing laundry or something. Guilt.
But guilt for what? Who am I hurting by resting?
I think the unconscious thoughts are that I don’t deserve to live if I am not working hard. That I can’t justify my existence if I’m not doing things. And thus that I should be rubbed out.
I don’t consciously believe this. At all. In fact, one of my values is that all life is precious no matter what. But it’s there. Buried deep. With insidious tendrils reaching into every part of me.
A lot of this is from a childhood filled with loneliness. I always felt I was a bother, and in the way. Disliked, or just tolerated. And I was sick, physically and emotionally, from the lyme. I could never keep up. Always sensitive, I felt the impatience and contempt.
A therapist once told me that the human psyche is deeply damaged by neglect, just as much as by abuse. We cannot tolerate it. It rips at our souls.
An echo of that ripping is what I feel when I lie on the couch and feel guilty for not doing things. I unconsciously fear people will turn their backs on me, in contempt and judgment. Maybe I am turning my back on myself. I need to really embrace myself with compassion and care. To treasure my own life. To be patient and kind with myself. That is the most powerful healing I can do.

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